Spring Couture: Will the Men Dispatch?

Yes. Obviously they will. You didn't need me to answer that.

While it must be said, Elie Saab's couture collection really tugged at my heart strings in the same way, say, Oscar de la Renta's perpetual bridal collections do, no matter how much tugging those collections will do, nothing can steal my heart the way Jean Paul Gaultier's mohawks and Valentino's vaginas can. And this is the The Man Repeller so we're not going to talk sleek silhouettes and gowns, we're going to talk phallic symbols, sequins, warriors, penguins, bedspreads...things of that sort.

To kick us off, let's look to Chanel. Several themes ran through this particular couture collection.

On the one hand, several looks suggested "moving supplies chic," cue the bubble wrap at left and the cotton balls lining the maxi skirt--or is it a dress--at right.

Conversely, other looks blended together to create a story that may or may not have taken inspiration from Ariel the Mermaid and her friends under the sea. The gown at center experienced something of a time warp and traveled back to the 70s while still maintaining it's ocean flair. Well done.

And finally, perhaps of my favorite of Lagerfeld's looks, I call this one straitjacket chic. Girlfriend is going to one fancy mental asylum in that sequin adored number.

On to Valentino, we recognize and appreciate the copious vaginal references incorporated into several of the looks.

If the look at right doesn't scream there is a vagina sitting at the end of my plunging neckline, I don't know what does.

After all the labial references incorporated into the looks, it was hard to gear my mind's attention else where.

So when these two looks came strutting, I didn't think "oh, teal feathers!" I thought: unkempt lady bits with illness. And instead of thinking "nice incorporation of the classic Valentino red" I thought, menstruation cycle. And that right there, boys and girls, depicts a prime example of verbal man repelling. 

And the gowns, oh the gowns. Holy lady boner meets the Victorian era.

At Christian Dior, my jaw experienced permanent drop. John Galliano and I have so much in common:

Doesn't this photo just say it all?

The themes running through his show were more along the lines of decorative bed-comforter in the form of shapeless-dress.

And there was, of course, a little bit of vagina into this collection too.

To the left, we have bold shoulder pads with black cracklings running through them. Vaginal? I say yes. And you? To the right, we have a lovely gown, and while Dior couture conquers all, you can get the look for less with this Camilla & Marc number.

Givenchy's color coded Vikings in formal wear stole the show. 

See what I mean? Sorry, girlfriend. Not even an exposed nipple can save this one.

I also really appreciated that the model forfeited proper use of her arms for the sake of couture. That's commitment.

Rainbow!

And last but not least, we look at a collection that would make our lady love Rupaul obscenely proud: Jean Paul Gaultier.

Because there were so many Repellerlicious looks, editing down this collection to include only my favorites was exceedingly difficult. The two above, however, made the cut for best use of feathers in head gear and cool tulle dress trim.

You should know by now that I love a good mullet dress. These, however, really took the man-repelling cake. As it happens with a plain old mullet dress, the front portion of the garment reveals some o'your sexy leg. JPG wouldn't let that happen though, oh no. 

Here's to extraneous fabric. 

And in the gown department, from left: A Flamenco inspired wedding cake. Infinite layers of black white equipped with one fancy neck-chain. And finally, the tie-dye dress o'my dreams.

Talk about a grandiose exit. Things that look like vaginas? Perhaps. An actual vagina? Oh. Yes.

All images are via Style.com.
For Back to the Future fashion, I do recommend a look at Armani Prive, too. He did me proud.